


(S)TUMBLE (How to fall for Shin Hoseok)

by AOnceToldStory



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-10-15 08:14:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17525084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AOnceToldStory/pseuds/AOnceToldStory
Summary: Being an idol is hard. Being a gay idol is harder. But being a gay idol and stuck in the same group as the man of your dreams is downright torture. For Hyungwon, every day is a struggle as he discovers and tries to come to terms with the fact that he just might like Wonho a little more than he should...Alternatively, a bunch of linear but independent stories from Hyungwon's life before and after Hoseok. Expect fluff, adorableness, realistic (?) idol life, hurt/comfort, future smut, an unnecessarily awkward Hyungwon and a totally oblivious Hoseok. Prompts and requests are always open!





	1. Studio (Idols have free time?)

**Author's Note:**

> CONCERNING PROMPTS & REQUESTS:
> 
> • Anything goes, including most kinds of fluff/smut, as long as it doesn't deviate from the preset universe (meaning no fantasy, sci-fi, etc.) or becomes way too extreme to be realistic.
> 
> • Don't prompt storylines that are directly taken from already existing fics, especially if they're already Hyungwonho-based. This would be considered plagiarism if I were to accidentally write it, so please don't request it!
> 
> • The story is linear, so if you request a situation that, for example, can only happen after the relationship is established, then you'll have to wait for the correct point in the timeline before your request is published.
> 
> • I choose the requests/prompts I want to do based solely on how much I like them and how well they fit into the story. If I want to use your prompt, I'll tell you so, if not then thank you so much anyway and please don't be discouraged!

It was a hot and humid summer's day in Gangnam and the heat was overpowering even the most expensive air conditioners. Hyungwon was getting cramps in his shoulders from holding his hand-held electric fan behind his head, trying to get the slightly cooler air to dry the sweating skin underneath his shirt. He had chosen to wear thin, baggy pants and an oversized dress shirt to vocal practice today, thinking that the pastel colours and whispy materials wouldn't be too warm, but he'd been wrong. Instead of providing air and shade, the thin fabric became soaked and stuck to his arms and back. Minhyuk had the right idea—he wore relatively thick and tight clothes for a hot day, but at least it wasn't visible that he was sweating too.

Their song teacher's words to Kihyun, who had just finished a solo performance for his two present members, passed by Hyungwon unnoted. Usually he would listen very intently, taking every tip and lesson to heart, but not today. Today he just wanted the session to end. Today he wanted the rare freedom that was promised to him by the inexplicably empty slot in his schedule for the evening. Private work-out session at six. Meeting with the managers at ten past eight. Language class until quarter to twelve, then vocal practice with Kihyun and Minhyuk at twelve. Practice was three hours, sometimes four, depending. But after that, the next thing on Hyungwon's schedule was make-up and styling at five in preparation for a magazine photo session and interview that would begin around seven. That was at least a _whole_ _hour_ that Hyungwon did not have _anything_  planned at all. He'd asked his manager about it, wondered if there had been some mistake or what he should do to get the most out of the time alone. His manager had said to _do whatever he felt like._  For an hour? Hyungwon hadn't had that kind of freedom in over a year. Whenever schedules wouldn't come together for all seven of the Monsta X members and someone had to wait, the managers would usually write in something like 'study time' or 'observation', the latter basically meaning that they should follow along on someone else's schedule and observe that person's training. But to _do whatever he felt like_? Hyungwon was almost offensively excited.

Kihyun's solo evaluation ended and it was Hyungwon's turn to get up. He took Kihyun's place in the centre of the small practice room in front of the teacher, who began to play the background music for Hyungwon's solo song on the electric piano. Hyungwon had sung this song hundreds if not thousands of times, at varying pitches and speeds, with different voice techniques. Today they were practicing high notes and softness. Hyungwon knew what the teacher wanted to hear and he gladly delivered—a slow and beautiful ballad from the early 80s, which challanged the singer with its sudden shifts in tone and extreme range. Hyungwon completed the song one, twice, three times before the teacher got into the details of his evaluation. Minhyuk and Kihyun (mostly Minhyuk) helped in analysing the strengths and weaknesses of Hyungwon's performance and Hyungwon listened well to his friends' opinions. However, he felt like he was distracted. His eyes kept moving to the watch on his wrist and the hands moving ever so slowly over the clockface.

Fortunately, his wandering thoughts did not betray him and he was spared a scolding from his teacher. Hyungwon plopped back down on the floor beside Kihyun and stole back his hand-held fan, holding it close to his face so that it blew his damp, light-brown fringe upwards. Minhyuk had his turn on the make-shift stage, taking his time discussing techniques with his teacher after every finished sing-through. When it was time for the members to evaluate him, Hyungwon participated as best he could. Kihyun did most of the talking, though, but that wasn't very unusual. The minutes turned to hours and, eventually, the teacher ended the session and let her students free.

"So what's next for you guys?" Hyungwon asked the second they were alone in the corridor outside the practice room. "Gotta run or do you have some time over?"

"Time over..." Kihyun said longingly, ending with a small snort. "I've got evaluations in twenty minutes back at the company. Then I'm pretty sure they're going to squeeze in a meeting with the dietist before make-up later."

"Why would you have to see the dietist?" Minhyuk commented with a worried frown. "Have you gained weight?"

"No, lost some," Kihyun said matter-of-factly. "I'm not supposed to, gotta build a lot more muscle before we start preparing for comeback again."

"Well, it's the same for me," Minhyuk sighed with a half-hearted smile. "I have extra dance practice in.. yeah, fifteen minutes. Then I gotta get rid of these black roots so I'll be in styling an hour before the rest of the members get there."

"Is it because of the Mnet Stage?" Hyungwon wondered carefully. "Did you get extra practice because you made a mistake?"

"Basically," Minhyuk replied with a shrug. "They say that I'm not confident enough in the refrains and have to practice my footwork. For some reason I just can't get it right. I love the _Shine Forever_ choreo, I just want to do it as well as the rest of you."

"We make mistakes, too, the managers just haven't noticed as much," Kihyun said in an attempt to comfort his younger. "How about you, Hyungwon? You got free time now?"

Hyungwon didn't know what to answer to that—he could hardly believe it himself. "Yeah, I guess so. Managers told me to do whatever I felt like. What's that supposed to mean?"

"You have two hours of free time and you can't think of one good thing to do?" Minhyuk laughed in disbelief as he got up from the floor and headed for the door, promting his members to do the same. The three of them took the stairs instead of the elevator down to ground level, then put on sunglasses and masks before heading outside into the hot sunlight. "I keep a list of things I want to do in case I ever get the time to do them."

"I envy you," Kihyun sighed with a friendly smile. "I'd go to see my parents. Maybe go to the dorm and get some sleep or a nice bath."

"I can't go all the way to Gwangju in two hours and I'm not sleepy."

"Well, you better figure something good out, or else you'll have wasted two perfect hours," Minhyuk commented with a playful grin as he began heading for the company car that was waiting for him on the curb. "No pressure!"

"Gotta run too," Kihyun said as he followed Minhyuk backwards, then turned on his heel and joined his same-aged friend in the car. "See you tonight, Won!"

The door to the car had already closed and the driver turning back out on the road when Hyungwon raised his hand to wave his friends off. "See you tonight," he said out loud although neither Minhyuk or Kihyun would be able to hear him.

 _Now, what do I do?_ Hyungwon realised that he was standing in the middle of the sidewalk on a busy Gangnam street. The mintues were ticking by, now a lot faster than they'd done during vocal practice. _Should I go shop for clothes? Maybe buy some gifts for the members? Jooheon's birthday is next, but that's months from now. Should I just walk around until I come up with something or will I be wasting the time away for no reason? And why am I stressing about this when right now I have no reason to be stressed?_

In the end, Hyungwon decided to simply walk down the street he was on until he found someplace good to check out. On the way he bought himself a bottle of water and a nice cup of ice tea to sip on. He wished that he could stay indoor at the café, but in the time it had taken to get his drink ready he had been approached by four excited Monbebes who had asked for pictures and autographs, one being the barista herself. Hyungwon loved his fans to death, would do anything for them at any time, but he didn't want to stir up a fuss. At the moment he just wanted to be alone. But being alone also felt very weird. He was almost never alone, always practicing or studying with at least one or two of the other members. Most oftenly that was the other vocalists. He was almost never alone with just Jooheon or Changkyun for pre-determined schedules, the rappers having duo practices on their own while the vocalists stuck together outside of actual group activities.

Hyungwon realised that not even that had been true for the past few days. Today, both Hyunwoo and Hoseok had been missing from vocal practice because of their own schedules, but Hyunwoo had been on every other practice with them all week. However, Hoseok had not been there yesterday or the day before that. He'd joined them for dance practice and they'd seen each other at the dorm every night, but apart from that he'd been very absent. Hyungwon knew that Hoseok was very busy with weight training and other activities that involved his body, but he was a vocalist just as much as the rest of them. Hyungwon found himself wishing that Hoseok would join them for song/choreo practice tomorrow morning—at least that way they'd get to see each other for a while.

As if only realising right then that he had the opportunity to do whatever he wanted, Hyungwon picked up his phone and sent a quick text to Hoseok, asking where he was and what he was doing. As he walked down the sunny street with the straw of his ice tea between his teeth, waiting for a reply, he waved at the camera of a passing international Monbebe and checked his reflection in the window of a store. A few mintues later, his phone vibrated and he took it up to look at the text.

**WONHO**  
**Sorry, Hyungie, I'm busy. Can't talk right now.**

Hyungwon gave the screen a disappointed frown, sad that his friend seemed stressed out, then took another drawn-out sip of his diminishing ice tea. But before he could even begin to compose a comforting reply to his Hyung, a second text dropped in.

 **WONHO**  
Actually, I take that back. I'm at the studio,  
come join me. I have something to show  
you. Do you have time?

 _Hell yeah, I do,_ Hyungwon cheered inwardly, feeling a smile creep onto his face as he typed a hasty reply to the mysterious invitation. Having expected that Hoseok wouldn't have time to spend with him during a schedule, Hyungwon was very happy to have something to do now. He couldn't but be glad either that it was Hoseok who had invited him over, as opposed to it being the other way around. That meant that Hoseok _wanted_ to see him even though he was so very busy.

Hyungwon hailed the first free cab he could find and directed the driver to the northern parts of Gangnam, to the area where many Starship idols, including Changkyun, Jooheon and Hoseok, had their private studios. The drive was fast as it wasn't far and rush hour traffic hadn't begun just yet. Hyungwon paid the fare and thanked the driver before exiting into the sidewalk in front of the large, glass-faced building that housed the Starship studios. A security guard was stationed outside the lobby doors and Hyungwon greeted him with a polite bow of his head before pulling out his access card and swiping it at the door. He did the same to call the elevator at the far end of the lobby, enjoying the chilly air that filled the well-conditioned building as he waited for the elevator to come, then pressed the button marked '11', where Hoseok's studio was. The doors opened up to a grey and blue corridor with simplistic but modern decorations that Hyungwon walked through to get to the second to last door on the right.

There was no music coming through the thick door, but that didn't mean that Hoseok wasn't recording at the moment. Hyungwon knocked lightly at first, then a little harder, until suddenly the door opened and Hoseok stood there, smiling brightly and happily.

"Hey, Hyungie, come in!" he greeted Hyungwon with a brief hug, then ushered for the younger to step into the studio. Hyungwon took a short moment to just smile at the feel of Hoseok's muscled arms squeezing his shoulders, then followed his Hyung inside and closed the door behind him. "You don't have a schedule right now?"

"No, I'm free until make-up," Hyungwon answered as he was lead into the smaller, secondary room of the already very small studio.

The room was dressed in black foam and dimly lit, making for a sharp constrast against the sunny world outside the building. Hyungwon blinked several times to get used to the darkness, then several times again before he could look at the three brightly shining computer screens at the desk. A music program was up on two of the screens, then a word editor on the third. Hoseok sat down in his chair and pulled himself back up against the desk with flexing arms, then patted the footstool next to him for Hyungwon to sit on. Hyungwon wasn't late to notice that Hoseok seemed weirdly excited and remembered that the older had asked him there to show him something. But before Hyungwon could read what was on the third screen, Hoseok closed down the program, revealing instead only his wallpaper which was a group selca with the entire Monsta X.

"You seem happy," Hyungwon commented with a warm, curious smile. "What is it that you wanted to show me?"

"I've been working on a new song," Hoseok explained very passionately. "It's the first time I've written something like this and I'm not even close to finished. I wasn't sure I wanted to show it to you before it was done but now that you're here I might as well show you what I have so far."

Hyungwon gave a quiet snicker—he liked seeing Hoseok this excited because it was quite rare when there were no cameras around. He waited patiently as Hoseok did some adjustments to the song project, then saved it and closed it down before Hyungwon could get a good look at it. From what he managed to catch, the song looked rather simple, but that could just be because it wasn't all done yet. To Hyungwon's surprise, however, instead of playing some backtrack or an already recorded version of the demo, Hoseok turned around in his chair and snatched an acoustic guitar from its stand against the wall, propping it up in his lap and fine-tuning it with expertise. Hyungwon watched with growing curiosity as Hoseok's platina lengths waved in front of his downturned face, listening to every string of the guitar until it was perfect. When he was happy with the sound, Hoseok played a few chords to practice before looking up at his younger friend again.

"Don't judge it too hard, okay? Like I said, it needs a lot more work before it's done, but I hope that you'll love it."

 _I'm certain that I will_ , Hyungwon told himself as he gestured for Hoseok to begin playing. A series of effortless notes were created by Hoseok's graceful fingers as he strummed the intro. It had a very expressive simplicity to it, telling a story even before he started singing because of the passionate way Hosoek was playing. Hyungwon watched and listened, intrigued by how lost to the music Hoseok was—as if he was hearing something far different than what the guitar alone was able to recreate. Hyungwon tried to hear what lay behind the simple tones, but it was difficult when he had no idea what it was supposed to sound like.

Then Hoseok started singing.

 _I know I lacked a lot_  
And that I couldn’t say I’m sorry  
I took you  
For granted  
Slowly, I was deceived by time

 _We can’t erase everything_  
We can’t forget everything  
But if we can’t turn things back  
I want to start from today  
Believe in me once more

 _Let’s write our story from zero_  
I want to know everything about you all over again  
Even if it’s really hard, from zero  
I want to hold you in my arms again  
From zero, from zero  
I’m turning back the clock  
Like the first time

 _Come back to me_  
From zero, zero, zero, zero  
Come back to me  
From zero, zero, zero, zero

Hoseok continued to strum beautiful chords, topped with the melody from the intro, but he didn't continue singing. When the music finally stopped and silence resumed, Hyungwon became shyly aware that he was smiling like an idiot.

"So... what do you think?" Hoseok asked excitedly. "I haven't written the second verse yet and it needs a bridge. I might tweek a little with the lyrics in the beginning too, but so far, is it good enough? Do you like it?"

Hoseok was hardly giving Hyungwon the time to speak, that's how much and fast he was talking. It amused Hyungwon very much that Hoseok seemed so proud of his creation, and rightly so, too. Once Hyungwon could regain some control of his tense facial muscles, he leaned forward on the footstool and gave a genuinely impressed sigh.

"It's amazing. It's really, really beautiful. Is it called 'Zero'?"

"'From Zero', actually," Hoseok snickered. "I've been working on it for a while now. Once I've written the rest of it I'm going to pitch it to Starship. They've asked me to try and write something ballad-esque for The Code from a while now, but I haven't found the inspiration to do anything. Then things happened and this song just kind of came to me. I wrote most of what you just heard yesterday."

"You weren't at vocal practice yesterday," Hyungwon commented with some realisation.

"No," Hoseok replied with a sheepish smile. "Sorry about that. I told manager-nim that I had come up with a song and he gave me permission to skip out on practice. I guess they really want another song for the album."

"So what was your inspiration?"

Hoseok opened his mouth as if to speak, then closed it again. For a split second—what felt like minutes to Hyungwon—the older just stared into Hyungwon's eyes before giving a sudden, simple laugh and looking down onto the guitar in his arms. "I don't know. Monbebes, our members, you. Everything together, I guess."

"Well, I love it," Hyungwon declared. "I really hope it makes it onto the album. I'd love to perform that on stage, it's so calm and beautiful."

"You just don't want a difficult choreo," Hoseok snickered teasingly.

Hyungwon looked away with a blush as he laughed as well. "Exactly."

"Ey, by the way, did you have time to stay? Or were you going somewhere?" Hoseok asked suddenly, aura turning back to that almost childlike excitement from before.

Hyungwon glanced down at his wristwatch, then shook his head. "No, it's over an hour before we need to move for the next schedule."

"Because I was thinking, do you want to try and record the chorus? I think it fits your voice really well and I want to hear what it sounds like when you do it."

Hyungwon felt a rush of warmth in his chest, like a mix of pride and happiness, but his mind was confused. "Kihyun-hyung usually sings the chorus. Or you. Do you think the company will like it if I do it instead of one of the others?"

"It's my song, I decide to sings what," Hoseok retorted confidently, leaning back on the chair and putting the guitar back down on its stand. "At least for the demo. And just because we usually get the refrains doesn't mean that it always has to be us. I think it's about time our Hyungwonie gets another one too, don't you?"

Again, Hyungwon felt a slight blush rise on his cheeks. He wasn't sure if it was the praise or that the room was getting warm, but he felt ashamed of the colour on his cheeks. It didn't stop him from smiling like an idiot, though. "I guess so."

"Awesome!" Hoseok said with a proud smile and clap of his hands, humorously ending the conversation right there. "Then let's get to recording."

Kicking out with his feet on the floor, Hoseok spun his chair back around and jumped out of it, walking over to the mic that was placed conveniently right behind where Hyungwon was sitting. Hyungwon stood up as well and waited patiently for Hoseok to adjust the equipment, plugging it in correctly, testing the sound and even changing the height of the mic to accomodate Hyungwon's taller figure. All the while, Hyungwon was tingling with unexplained happiness. There was a fun kind of randomness to the whole situation that Hyungwon wasn't used to, and he loved it—getting free time from his managers, being invited over to Hoseok's studio although he didn't expect to be, then suddenly he was going to record for a demo that might end up on their next album. Usually, everything that happened in their lives was carefully planned long in advance. To just take things as they came up like this was strange and extremely refreshing.

As he stood behind the mic, singing random lines from their old albums to allow Hoseok to test the volume, Hyungwon realised that he could not think of a better way to spend his two free hours. Yes, he could've enjoyed the rare opportunity to be entirely alone and lazy or he could've done something useful like getting some extra practice on their old choreographies or something. But being alone with Hoseok like this, it was nice. Not that Hyungwon didn't love all of his members to death—he'd never grow tired of any of them—but there was just something about getting to be all alone with Hoseok that made Hyungwon feel relaxed. Hoseok came up to stand next to him, stretching his whole body to comfortably reach the microphone on Hyungwon's level. They sang the song over and over together, shoulder to shoulder, faces close as they shared the same microphone. For twenty minutes they practiced until Hyungwon could do it on his own as perfectly as Hoseok had done it.

No members, no cameras, no managers or directors, no fans or crowds. Nobody—just them. Them and a microphone and a beautiful new song. Hyungwon loved this. He hadn't felt this free in a long time, and not just because of the unscheduled hours, but because of the situation. Because being with Hoseok was so effortless. There were no demands for conversation or distraction. He wasn't overly loud or excessively talkative. He wasn't quiet either, just uncomplicated. Hyungwon had always thought that, ever since they first met as trainees so many years ago. But under these circumstances, it became even more clear.

"Ready to go?" Hoseok asked his younger from his position by the computer.

Hyungwon hadn't realised that he'd been staring at the profile of Hoseok's sculpted face the entire time until now that their eyes met. With a mental slap to his own face to set his thoughts straight, Hyungwon smiled and nodded confidently. "Ready."

The acoustic backtrack began with a press of a button. Hyungwon sang as passionately as he could, mimicking the emotion that Hoseok had put into the lyrics before but playing with the words in his own way as well. All the while, he was looking at his older friend. The shape of his shirt sleeves as they fell on the grooves between his swollen muscles. The sharp, illuminated outline of his nose and lips when he looked at the computer screen. The deep, space black darkness of his eyes when they looked at each other. The thin line of white between his lips when he smiled, allowing perfect teeth to peek through. The warm, rumbling laughter.

Hyungwon found himself making mistakes on purpose just to keep recording. Hoseok didn't seem to mind. The room got warmer but there were no windows, so Hoseok stole Hyungwon's hand-held fan and played around with it, blowing it over himself and his younger. They recorded the chorus, the verse, even a part of a bridge that Hoseok hadn't revealed when he first sung the song. They did serious takes and absolutely catastrophic ones, laughing soulfully all the while. Before either of them knew it, Hyungwon's two hours of free time had run out.

"We better start heading down," Hoseok said finally, already beginning to close down the project now containing dozens of recorded versions of the song. "Car will be here in about five minutes, they've already picked up the maknaes from the dorm and the rest from the company."

"Minhyuk's already in make-up," Hyungwon added matter-of-factly, then stopped for a moment. "I don't want to go. I want to continue recording."

With a bittersweet smile, Hoseok stood up from his chair, reached out an arm around Hyungwon and patted him on the lower back. He then headed for the door with his hand still framing Hyungwon's middle, allowing his fingers to drag across Hyungwon's back lightly and around to trace the narrow of his waist. It wasn't an unusual touch, not even close. Much more intimate things had been done on live stages and during sexy choreographies, but for some reason the gesture sent electric jolts through Hyungwon's body. When Hoseok turned his back and moved to leave the studio, Hyungwon took several seconds to even move a muscle. He wasn't even sure why, but the touch of Hoseok's fingers through his thin shirt lingered on his skin. It scrambled his thoughts for a moment and glued his feet to the ground.

_Stop it, Hyungwon. He's your friend. He's a member of your group. You may be gay but not for him._

Even thinking the word—a forbidden word in every aspect of Hyungwon's idol life—felt like commiting a crime against his company. It wasn't often that Hyungwon even touched the subject mentally. It was a fact that he'd been unable to erase and because of it he'd been forced to just accept it and work around it. So far, the instances where his sexual deviancy had interfered with his idol life were thankfully very few. He was a professional. He knew how to act—act as if he wasn't constantly worried that someone would tell on him every time his eyes lingered too long on a man's handsome face, act as if fanservice with his members didn't actually excite him, act as if he didn't hate having to hide parts of himself that felt more natural than anything else. As if he _was_ someone else.

But these problems had never affected him when it came to his members. Yes, kissing through plastic sheets and the occasional grinding dance move were all very painfully reminding of the things he would never be allowed to have, but he could live with that. He'd never actually had feelings for any of his members. At most, he found them very physically attractive—especially Hoseok—but he wasn't crushing on any of them. He most definately wasn't crushing on _Hoseok_.

All of these thoughts came and went in Hyungwon's head over the span of a full second before he managed to regain his senses and follow Hoseok through the door. immediately, his mind was set on the next thing on the agenda, as always, and he pushed everything else aside. His two hours of free time were over. His fun alone time with Hoseok, being able to just _be_ and not have any demands or rules to follow, was over. Now he was Monsta X's Hyungwon again, and Hyungwon had an interview to get through. Chae Hyungwon was not gay. Chae Hyungwon was definitely not gay for Shin Hoseok.

So why, through the door, down the elevator, into the car, across the city, into the make-up chair, back into the car, onto the photoshoot set, into the interview chair, back in the car again and all the way into bed at the dorm did the light touch of Hoseok's fingers still tingle the skin on Hyungwon's waist? Why, through the entire evening and well into the waking hours of night, could Hyungwon not stop thinking about the fact that he could probably paint the outline of Hoseok's profile blindfolded because he remembered it so well?

Why did he suddenly feel like this? And why did it feel like it had always felt like this?


	2. Dance (Practice makes perfect)

A five hour dance practice session with only very short breaks was the norm to Starship Entertainment's baby boy group. Anything below three hours felt short, although it tended to happen if schedules were tight. Longer sessions were more common the closer they got to a comeback, especially before filming MVs and right before livestages. But those sessions, usually ending up seven or eight hours long, also meant a lot of waiting around for the members as the training was focused more on the small details in each individual member's dancing instead of group performance. They'd be called up to perform their group choreos alone or in pairs, doing certain sets over and over, drilling certain difficult movements and front position solos until they were absolutely perfect.

Hyungwon usually did pretty good on solo evaluations considering that he wasn't one of the main dancers of the group. The teacher commended his arm control and the power of his body during fast dances, commenting on things like his jumps being a little too high, making syncronisation with the other members difficult, but nothing more. That was _usually_ the case. But today was not Hyungwon's day. Today he was exhausted from several nights of really bad sleep and a hectic schedule with little time for fun or rest. Add to that the past six hours of group choreo training and you had yourself one Chae Hyungwon on the brink of falling asleep where he stood. It showed on his dancing too—he knew that it did. His members didn't say anything about it and he was thankful for that, but the teacher had a job to do and he wasn't there to go easy on them.

"Sharper movements, Hyungwon!" he called over the music. "You have eight beats to do four poses, each one must be perfectly still before you move to the next one. And keep your right foot planted! No rocking backwards on the left or you're gonna lose your balance."

Hyungwon tried, he really did, but his body would not cooperate. His arms did not stop where he intended them to and his legs weren't straight enough. The other members looked on with various degrees of worry as Hyungwon was drilled again and again, the same six bars of the chorus, each dance-through ending up worse than the one before it. Hyungwon tried not to look at his friends—their pity would not make him dance any better—but he still found himself glancing at Hoseok from time to time. His Hyung was sitting cross-legged by the wall along with the others, leaned forward and observing Hyungwon's solo practice with unbroken attention. His dark eyes were large with concern, lips straight and pressed together tightly. Although it gave Hoseok an aura of worry, it was also strangely enticing. Hyungwon could almost see the reflection of his own body moving in the older's shining eyes, the twist of his hips and swing of his hair. Whenever his eyes lingered, he could also see that Hoseok was biting lightly on his lower lip.

_I wish you'd stop doing that_ , Hyungwon thought suddenly, missing a step of the dance in the process. _You'll get dry lips and they'll crack and hurt you- wait..._

He looked away immediately. He couldn't afford to be distracted by anything right now, especially not something like _that_ , but it was already too late. His movements had become sloppier and the teacher had noticed. Without warning, the music stopped mid-beat and Hyungwon froze in place, frightened at the thought of what the teacher would say to him next.

"Sharper movements, not slower! You can't slow down to get it right, you have to add more power. Do you want to be halfway through the twist when the others are done?" He gave Hyungwon a second to reply, but the young vocalist remained silent apart from his heaving breath. "Do you want me to give the front position to someone else?"

"I don't want to be in the back," Hyungwon whispered then, with much less determination than he'd hoped for. His heart was pounding and his head spun viciously. It felt like he was still moving around although he was standing perfectly still. He had to fist his hands to not show that he was trembling as overexcertion got the better of him.

"Then do it again," the teacher said calmly. He wasn't a horrible person, hadn't meant the things he'd said in any other way than to give Hyungwon a push. "I know you can do it, but you have to try harder, okay? Wonho, come up here for a second."

_No, not Hoseok..._ Hyungwon tried not to visibly wince. He knew what was coming next and he did _not_ need this right now.

Hoseok seemed a little surprised at being called over, but he got up and joined Hyungwon on the floor anyway. Hyungwon resisted the urge to sigh—this was not going to be fun. If having Hoseok watching him from the corner was distracting enough to screw up his dancing, then what would it do to him to have Hoseok dance right next to him? It was one thing when it was the entire group or when Hyungwon was in peak-performing shape, but right now he could barely see straight, no less actually _be_ straight. The last thing he wanted was for someone, namely the teacher, to notice that something was up.

_Nothing’s up_ , Hyungwon told himself sternly. _You’re going to dance with Hoseok and you’re going to do it good. There’s nothing going on here that needs to mess up this practice._

The teacher positioned Hoseok in front and a little to the left of Hyungwon and instructed the younger to watch Hoseok’s moves carefully. When the music began and the two of them started moving, that’s exactly what Hyungwon attempted to do. Arms up, then in, one step backwards, then roll on the heels 45 degrees right, semi-circle twirl, arms wrap around, then stop and gentle hip thrust. Hoseok completed each stance in perfect rhythm and with just the kind of sharp movements that the teacher had asked for. His muscles played across his back and shoulders, powerful arms swinging gracefully even though they looked like they shouldn’t. Hyungwon realized that he couldn’t look at them because they made him think of other things that had nothing to do with dancing, so he focused on Hoseok’s legs and footwork. His legs were strong too, but the movements were still skillfully elegant. Even as Hyungwon was busy trying to get through the set at least once at a good enough level—his shaking limbs and spinning head making that all but impossible—his eyes were drawing outlines of Hoseok's body in front of him. He wasn't paying attention to how the older was dancing as much as he was to how Hoseok  _moved_. In fact he wasn't paying attention at all. Everything he could think about was how hypnotizingly perfect Hoseok was.

_No!_ Hyungwon refused to bested by his own emotions. He would let lack of sleep or anything else jeopardize his position in the group.  _I'm not feeling anything. Not for him, not for any man. Arms up, then in, one step backwards, then roll on the heels. I'm not gay. Semi-circle twirl... wrap around... around... round..._

"Hyungwon?"

As if he had suddenly gotten on a really violent rollercoaster, the world around him spun out of focus.

"Hyungwonie!"

Darkness.

"...ook at me, Won. You okay?"

"Did he hit his head?"

"Should I call for an ambulance? He looks very pale."

Lights. Dancing. The lights were dancing in Hyungwon's field of vision as sight, sound and sense of touch all slowly returned to him.

"No, just give him some space." The dance teacher's voice stuck out from the rest because it was a lot rougher than any of his member's voices were. "Can you hear me, Hyungwon? Tell me if you're okay."

"I'm..." Hyungwon tried to sit up— _Am I on the floor?_ — but his arms and legs felt too heavy to move. Something else was keeping him from getting up as well, as if a hand was pressed to the center of his chest holding him down. His head was leaning against something as well, something round and soft.

"Don't try to get up just yet, okay, Hyungwonie?" This voice was Hoseok's and it was coming from right above his head. "Take it easy. You fainted."

The hand on his chest was Hoseok's. The warm softness that was pillowing his head was Hoseok's thigh. Hyungwon realised with confusion and surprise that he was in fact not lying entirely on the floor but rather with his head in Hoseok's lap. _I... fainted?_  His head was still spinning and the room along with it, but Hoseok's face above his own became a touchstone of stability for his eyes to hold. The other members were around them as well, hovering over their ill friend with varying degrees of worry and panic on their faces.

"Are you feeling okay?" Minhyuk asked. He was the one who'd wanted to call an ambulance, Hyungwon realised, and his hand was still clutching his phone.

"He's not been getting much sleep," Hyunwoo explained to the teacher. "He came home at three last night and we got up at six."

"Damn it, Won, you should have said that you were not feeling well," Jooheon, who was crouching by Hyungwon's side, said regretfully.

Hyungwon wasn't really listening to the things his friends were saying. The only thought his sleep-deprived brain was able to form at the moment was about Hoseok, whose face was still hovering not too far above his own. Half-long, white-blond hair hung down and framed the older, catching the light from the lamps in the ceiling like a glowing, pale gloria around his head. His mouth were partially open and Hyungwon noted that Hoseok's lips were indeed looking a little dry. Hoseok's eyes were locked with his own under dark brows that were furrowed in concern. The deep blackness of his eyes was strangely reflective and Hyungwon imagined seeing his own face mirrored on Hoseok's retinas. They were beautiful.

Hyungwon hadn't noticed that he was smiling a little until Hoseok began to smile as well. "Hey," he said simply and clapped Hyungwon's chest once.

"Hey," Hyungwon replied, the first coherent thing he'd said since he fell down. "What happened?"

"You tell us," Hoseok chuckled, throwing their friends a glance. "One second we were dancing, the next you're on the floor staring at nothing. I think you blacked out for a second. You really scared us."

"I'm sorry." Hyungwon closed his eyes for a bit—the spinning was starting to ease up, but he was beginning to feel nauseous instead. "I'm just... really tired."

"We figured," Kihyun commented. There was no smile on the self-declared mother-of-Monsta-X's face, just worry. "You should go back to the dorm, get some rest and see a doctor."

"Shouldn't we call the company, tell them what happened?" Changkyun offered carefully. He was sitting on his knees beside Hoseok, with his hand on Hyungwon's arm. "Maybe they can send a car to pick Hyung up."

Hyungwon wanted to shake his head, but even the tiniest movement turned the room into a rollersoaster. "No... don't call manager-nim."

"Of course we're calling the company, " Hyunwoo said. "Teacher-nim's already doing it anyway."

"I don't want them to think that I can't work," Hyungwon whined quietly, barely audible to his friends.

Hoseok heard him, though, and his warm expression became more dissaproving. "You shouldn't think like that, Hyungwonie. You should take better care of yourself and don't push yourself too hard. You don't have to be perfect _all_ the time, you know."

"Okay..." was all Hyungwon could manage to say. He was feeling suddenly very sleepy, as if closing his eyes would allow him to slip into pleasant unconsciousness in seconds. "Tired..."

Their dance teacher came back and announced that he'd talked to Monsta X's managers and the company heads. A car was on the way to pick Hyungwon up and the entire group's schedules had been halted for the next few hours until the company could have a meeting to discuss what had happened. The members agreed that they would all go back to the dorm with Hyungwon and help take care of him if he needed it. All Hyungwon wanted was to sleep—right there on the floor with his head against Hoseok's lap and Hoseok's hand gently clapping against his chest. The simple gesture was extremely soothing, sending shivers of relaxation through Hyungwon.

The exhaustion had torn down every wall that Hyungwon had built up against his emotions during the practice. For the moment, at least, he allowed himself to think and feel exactly what his heart desired, unbound by the regulations of his idol lifestyle or the fear of being rejected and judged. He loved lying in Hoseok's lap. He loved the idea of a man willingly wrapping his strong arms around him to protect him from the world and care for him. He loved the weight of Hoseok's large hand over his heart, the knowledge that Hoseok could probably feel Hyungwon's heartbeat on his fingertips. If it wasn't for the fact that he was only lying there in his friend's embrace because he'd fainted, then Hyungwon would've wished that he could do this every day.

_I wish I could be myself_ , he thought mindlessly, drifting further and further into sleep. _I wish that I didn't have to hide myself._

Someplace above him, Hoseok's voice came in a soothing half-whisper. Hyungwon wasn't sure exactly what his Hyung had said, but whatever it was sent him over the edge and he fell asleep, right then and there in Hoseok's arms. The last thing that his mind registered before shutting off was the feel of fingers running through his hair and the sensation of being pressed a little closer to Hoseok's chest.

He loved it.


	3. Sugar (Is this even edible?)

When Hyungwon woke up to the sound of an empty dorm, he was struck with the same feeling one would get when you wake up by yourself after having slept through an alarm. Counsciousness returned to him slowly, then all at once as he realized that he was completely alone in the room. Both Hyunwoo’s and Changkyun’s beds were empty, the door into the hallway closed and the drapes pulled in front of the window. The room was dark but the bright lines of light shining from behind the drapes showed that it was nearing midday. Hyungwon’s body was ready to jump straight out of bed and run to whatever schedule he had missed, but he was relieved to remember that he wasn’t late for anything. He’d done exactly what he was supposed to be doing, which was to sleep.

It was nice, being allowed to sleep in for once, but it was also very weird. Hyungwon had gone to bed the second he’d come home the day before, tucked in and cared for by his members after the unfortunate incident at dance practice. The only times he’d been disturbed was when the group’s manager had stopped by to hear what had happened, then once more when a doctor had come to check up on him. Hyungwon did not remember Hyunwoo and Changkyun going to bed or waking up. He must’ve really been exhausted then, he supposed, because altogether he had just slept for thirteen hours in a single day.

Reaching over to the nightstand where his phone was charging, Hyungwon went into the company app and checked through his and his members schedules. He was alone in the dorm, just like he’d thought. The rappers were at the studio writing and recording music, while the rest of the vocalists had stage training—practicing the technique of singing and dancing at the same time. Hyungwon was supposed to be at that same practice, but his doctor had forbidden it. _One full day of complete rest, then we’ll see if he’s feeling well enough to start training again._ That’s what the doctor had said. Hyungwon didn’t mind the rest, he really felt like he needed it, but he also felt a little stupid. Stupid for being at home doing nothing while everyone else was working hard to prepare for their next comeback. Stupid for ever allowing himself to get so tired that he had to _faint_  at a dance practice in front of everyone, worrying them for no reason.

He also remembered with the skip of a heartbeat that he'd been lying in Hoseok's lap for a good half hour before the company driver came to pick him up. Not only that, but Hoseok had comforted him while doing so, one hand on Hyungwon's chest and the other brushing through his hair every once in a while. Hyungwon hadn't asked him to do it or been so out of it that it felt necesary for his comfort. Hoseok had done all of those things by his own choice.

 _It means nothing,_ Hyungwon forced himself to think. _He does that all the time, to all of us. He would have done the same for any of our other members. He just cares a lot. Just being nice, like he always is._

Although he refused to acknowledge it, the only thing that truly meant nothing was Hyungwon's lies to himself. Even now, lying there alone in bed just _thinking_ about Hoseok made his heart race. He could feel the weight of the older's hand on his chest like a lingering ghost, sending tiny thingles through his entire body still. Those tingles were especially ticklish in another area as well—the left side of his waist, where Hoseok's hand had stroked him so gently that time in the studio.

_That was weeks ago! Why would I still be affected by that? It's not like I actually want him to touch me, it's just a fan thing. Something for the shippers and our Monbebes. Okay, maybe I do, but not because it's HIM but because I'm... well, no point in trying to deny it to myself, is it?_

Hyungwon didn't even remember when he'd realised the truth about himself. He figured that he'd just gradually grown into it, the same way other boys around him had discovered their fascination with girls. When his male friends had begun to compete for the girls' attention in middle school, Hyungwon had just kind of fallen back and observed from the shadows with very mild interest. Those years were when he'd begun to realise that liking the same gender wasn't considered normal, because his parents and grandparents, even his own older brother, had started to ask whether there were any _special girls_ at school. He never found one, but he did find some of his male classmates pretty interesting. Not long after that, Hyungwon began his modelling career after having been scouted on the school yard by an agency. A TV commercial here, some fashion brand shoots there and off he was into the world of fame where neither love nor social life had any space. Becoming a trainee and ending up on MNET's No.Mercy did not help his self-discovery any bit at all. If he ever had a chance at coming to terms with the truth—that he was in fact not interested in the opposite gender whatsoever—it would've been before he joined Monsta X. By the time of their debut, it was way too late. It had been drilled into his skull that a perfect image, unending love for the fans and a non-questionable dedication were everything that mattered. Working on his self-acceptance and finding love? About as likely as their company putting it on his schedule...

The clanging sound of plates or pots banging together alerted Hyungwon to a new presence in the dorm. When he focused on it he thought he could hear the white noise of something boiling on the stove as well. Although he wanted to get up and see who was home so early from their schedule, he didn't want to have to move. The room was cool even in the hot summer and the cover was pleasantly airy.

He didn't have to wait long until the answer to his question presented itself in the door. It swung open carefully, revealing Hyunwoo and Kihyun as they peered into the room. The second they realised that Hyungwon was awake, they walked straight in with smiles on their faces. Hyunwoo took a seat on his own bed across the room from Hyungwon, while Kihyun made himself comfortable on the edge of Hyungwon's bed.

"How're you feeling, champ?" Kihyun asked, patting Hyungwon's arm through the cover. "You hanging in there?"

Hyungwon offered his older a weak but warm smile. "I'm not dead, so that's a plus."

"Eaten anything yet?" Hyunwoo said, laying down on his own bed with a long sigh. It was evident that he'd been working really hard at practice and was tired. "Hoseok's making lunch right now. He got back before us so it should be done soon. I'll bring some up if you want it."

"No, that's okay, I'm not—"

Hyungwon hadn't even felt if he was hungry or not yet, the words just slipped out anyway, but he never got to finish them. Before he could, heavy footsteps and the sounds of tableware clamouring came from the door. Hoseok entered the room with a tray in his hands, on it a bowl of something steaming hot and a glass of water. He smiled brightly at Hyungwon as he came around Kihyun's legs and sat himself down on his knees beside Hyungwon's head. Hyungwon didn't know what to do, the older's unnecessarily beautiful smile affecting him unexpectedly, so he sat up and moved towards the wall behind him. He made it look like he was just trying to lean himself on something instead of the truth, which was that Hoseok had just been _too damn close_ to his face when he was still lying down.

 _No! No blushing, what's wrong with you?!_ Hyungwon scolded himself. He swallowed thickly and became suddenly very self-aware. He was only wearing underwear and a very loose tank top that barely covered anything. _Why should I care? These guys have seen me naked many times, why does it suddenly bother me that I'm not wearing pants?_

"Hungry, Hyungwonie?" Hoseok asked and he set the tray down on the bed in front of his younger. "It's homemade. Well, partially anyway. Jjajjangmyeon. Added a little something to make it more like what my mom made me when I was sick."

"I'm not sick," Hyungwon said without intending to, cheeks still feeling a little warmer than they should and lips pulling upwards into a smile he didn't want to make. "But thank you. Smells delicious."

"Is there more?" Kihyun asked, sniffing the air over the bowl with a delighted hum.

"Loads," Hoseok said. He took the bowl and placed it in Hyungwon's hands, then made to stand up. "I'll bring you some."

"No, no, no, I'll get it myself," Kihyun assured and got up from Hyungwon's bed, disappearing out of the dormroom.

The black, meaty stew smelt absolutely amazing, Hyungwon thought and drew deep breaths from the rising steam. It didn't smell like the jjajjangmyeon that Hyungwon was used to, though, but Hoseok had said that it wasn't. It warmed Hyungwon's entire being that his older cared so much about his health that he'd spend whatever free time he had between schedules to make food for him like this. Hoseok's eyes were also near glittering as he sat himself on the edge of the mattress with his back half turned, watching the younger with anticipation over his shoulder. This time Hyungwon didn't try to hide a smile—it would be impossible anyway with the warmth of Hoseok's gaze on him—as he brought the first bite of the stew-drenched noodles to his mouth.

Had he been a pickier eater, he would've spat the food straight in Hoseok's face.

 _What the actual...? Are they screwing with me?_ The food wasn't super nasty or super spicy. There were no signs that it was spoiled either, it was just... extremely weird. There was something in it that definitely shouldn't be there, but Hyungwon couldn't put his finger on what it was. _He's joking with me. This is a prank, it's got to be._

"What's wrong?" Hoseok asked him worriedly, smile falling away immediatelly. "Is it bad?"

There were no lies or deceit in Hoseok's eyes. He was genuinely concerned that Hyungwon didn't like the food. He wouldn't be if he was aware that the food was not meant for eating. And Kihyun had gone downstairs to get some too and Hoseok hadn't stopped him.

 _Oh, no. I can't tell him that it's bad if it's just a mistake... He'll feel horrible and he worked so hard for my sake. Maybe it's not even a mistake, maybe he likes it this way. That would make him feel even worse!_ The food still smelled amazing, it was the taste that made Hyungwon want to gag. With the noodles hanging halfway out of his mouth and expression bordering between disgusted and faked appreciattion, Hyungwon sighed inwardly. _I'll just have to eat it, then. Trick him into thinking I like it. At least he won't feel bad._

He put on his most adorable smile and let the noodles fall back into the bowl, mixing them around and blowing on them a little. "No, it's really good. Just very hot."

"Oh, that's good. Eat carefully, then." Hoseok gave a new, warm smile of pride and stood up from the bed, walking over to the opposite side of the room. Hyungwon took a new bite of the would-be-jjajjangmyeon, trying not to taste it too much as he gulped it down. He could do it, it wasn't _that_ horrible, so he took another bite just for show.

The second bite was harder for him to swallow, but not because of taste at all. Rather it was because Hoseok had gone over to the bed where Hyunwoo was now resting tiredly and decided to crawl on all fours onto the bed, stand himself over their blissfully ignorant leader and lay down _on top_ of him. The strong but soft vocalist snuggled his face into the crook between Hyunwoo's shoulder blades for a bit, then leaned his chin on him as if getting ready to fall asleep. Hyunwoo made a half-annoyed, half-amused face and groaned in protest at the weight on his back. Although the scene playing out before Hyungwon's eyes looked every bit the kind of fanservice that Monsta X usually provided their beloved Monbebes with, it did feel like it at all. Heat spread all over Hyungwon's face, much less pleasant than the shy blush from before, and his stomach turned in a way that had nothing to do with the food. The uncomfortable sickness spread to his limbs, his head and, lastly, his heart, making everything feel _wrong_.

Hyungwon wanted to stab the chopsticks down his own throat, and he had absolutely no idea why.

"Hoseok-ah!" The sudden outburst came from down the hall and, very soon, Kihyun reappeared in the door to the dorm. There was an almost disappointed look on his face as he held out his hand and the item in it for Hoseok to look at. "I don't know what you _think_ you put in that stew but _this_ isn't it."

From his position, Hyungwon couldn't see the label on the white, cylindrical container that Kihyun was flashing, but he recognised it all the same. Baking powder. That was the weird flavour that Hyungwon had been gagging on. Hoseok's jjajjangmyeon was full of baking powder.

Hoseok sat up from Hyunwoo's bed slowly, face scrunching up in confusion. "That's supposed to be powdered sugar. It makes the stew sweeter. I didn't—"

In a split second, his expression changed from susprised to horrified as realisation dawned on him. Hoseok turned to look behind Kihyun, over to the bed where Hyungwon was still sitting cross-legged with the bowl in his hands, frozen in place since Kihyun's arrival with the chopsticks full of the contaminated jajjangmyeon noodles. For a full, slowly passing second, the two of them just looked at each other.

The second was over and Hoseok _pranced_. "Wait, don't eat that!"

The speed with which Hoseok jumped off of Hyunwoo's bed, crossed the space between them in the room and climbed onto Hyungwon's bed was extraordinary and completely unexpected. Hyungwon tried to back away like someone would when suddenly attacked as the much stronger idol came down with his legs on either side of Hyungwon's own, hands on either side of his head to stop himself from crashing straight into the younger visual. His face stopped no more than ten centimetres from Hyungwon's before moving back, hands coming down to snatch the bowl from Hyungwon's grip. The suddenness of the whole thing caused a very shocked Hyungwon to drop the chopsticks onto his own chest and stain the grey tank top with black sauce. In truth, the movement hadn't been nearly as fast as Hyungwon thought it was, but to the emotionally compromised visual the whole thing became distorted.

Hoseok gave the by now half-empty bowl of stew a dark look. "What did you eat this for? If you knew that it was bad, why'd you eat so much of it?"

Hyungwon had no clue if what he was experiencing right now had to do with the extreme exhaustion he'd just battled, the weirdness of the past twenty minutes or just pure and utter insanity but he hoped for the first option. Because even though he'd wanted to leave the room just seconds earlier because of Hoseok's closeness with Hyunwoo, even though he felt sick from having eaten the accidentally gross food and his favorite sleeping shirt was now ruined from the dark stain, there was only one thing going through his head right then.

 _Pull him down_ , his head screamed at him. Or was it his heart? He couldn't tell.  _Pull him down and kiss him._

_I can't do that!_

_Do it. He's so close, it's not hard to do. What if his lips are super soft? What if they taste good?_

_No, no, no. I can't._

_Why? He's literally sitting on your lap. He's basically inviting you to. Go on!_

_No, I can't! Not here! Not when the others are watching!_

Hyungwon was startled by his own thoughts. _'The others are watching'_? Was that really the only reason he could think of why he should not grab a hold of Hoseok's way too sculpted shoulders and pull him in for a kiss? They were band mates— _friends_ for goodness sake! That was only one of a hundred reasons he should be able to come up with. Friends didn't randomly kiss each other! Not even k-pop idols, trained to take things as close to the edge of homoerotic extravaganza as it could get without making headlines or disturbing the generally traditional public, went around and tried to kiss each other. _Especially_ not when there were no cameras or onlookers around.

This entire monologue and the inner battle that followed played out in the span of a split second. For Hyungwon it felt like an hour, then he blinked once and the moment was over. Hoseok took the chopsticks from off of Hyungwon's chest, used them to grab a small portion of the jjajjangmyeon and stuffed it in his mouth. He spit it back in the bowl just as fast, made a disgusted face and resumed the close-up staring into Hyungwon's wide-blown eyes.

"You didn't have to eat this to make me happy, Hyungwon," he laughed humbly. "You could've said something. I'mma make you something else, something good. You can't eat this stuff."

Hyungwon wasn't given the chance to reply this time either before Hoseok promptly moved away from him and stepped off of the bed, more or less jogging past Kihyun and out of the room with the bowl in his hand.

"We've got to leave for our next schedule in less than ten minutes, Hoseok!" Kihyun called after him through the still open dorm door.

"We've got the time!" Hoseok called back, already back in the kitchen down the hallway.

Kihyun gave an audible sigh and rolled his eyes in amusement. "I'll go make sure he doesn't screw it up this time," he said and vanished out the door as well, leaving only Hyungwon still sitting flush against the wall on his bed and Hyunwoo propped up on his elbows across the room.

Hyunwoo gave his usual blank-minded eyebrows-up-lips-apart look to the space where Kihyun had just been standing, then turned to Hyungwon with a strangely amused smile. "I feel like they're going to burn down the kitchen. Leader-duty calls."

If Hyungwon had been capable of forming words right then, something like a sassy but serious ' _what the fuck_ ' would've probably been fit for his emotional state. Hyunwoo got up, stretched casually and walked out without even the slightest hint that what had just happened was in any way weird. Hyungwon didn't know what to think, no less _feel_.

He'd just wanted to kiss Hoseok. Straight on the lips. No plastic sheet or rice paper in between. No hands to maintain a distance or ppeppero stick for a game. A plain a simple kiss because he wanted to know what it was like. He couldn't deny that or he'd just be fooling himself.

_Okay, so maybe I did want to kiss him. I'm gay, it's not weird for me to want something like that. It's no different from the others finding cute girls among the fans and blushing at them. It means nothing. I'm not jealous of him and Hyunwoo. I'll go and climb all over Jooheon right now, won't matter. There's nothing special about Hoseok that's different from all of them. He's a dear friend and I love him. That's that. Nothing more, nothing less._

_So what if I want to kiss him? So what if I blushed because he came too close? So what if I held his hands when he took the bowl from me?_

He hadn't even realised until now that he'd done that. He raised his hand up in front of his face and looked at them as if there would be something on them, a residue of the brief, gentle touch of Hoseok's skin. It was there, but not for his eyes to see. It tingled like the caress of a silky fabric, went up his hands and arms and into his body. It set ablaze the area right above his heart, the scalp beneath the roots of his fringe, the left side of his oh-so-sensitive waist. All places where Hoseok's hands had lingered when they had no reason to.

Realisation crept up on him, ever so slowly and agonisingly taunting. He felt it coming and refused it, pushed it away to the darkest corners of his conscousness. He'd deal with it later. Sometime. Non-present tense.

Wrapping himself up in his light cover again he laid down on the bed and grabbed his phone. He went into the company app and checked his and his friends' schedules. Today, tomorrow, next week. Before The Code comeback, the live stages that followed, the fan events. He went as far as the schedule would go, then back again. He checked news articles, read up on homework assignments, practiced some Japanese and English. Anything to keep his mind distracted.

The tingling sensation dissipated, but the fluttering in his heart didn't. The worries about how his sexuality might affect his idol career were pushed away, but the shape of Hoseok's lips seemed burned onto his retinas.

Things were set in motion that Hyungwon weren't fully aware of and didn't know how to stop. And deep, deep down underneath years of self-trickery and confusion, he knew that he didn't want to stop them, even if it was possible. Not truly. But the question now was not if there was something going on or not...

... but if he was brave enough to _accept_ that there was.


	4. Shower (A quick peek can't hurt... can it?)

What had started out as a single full day's ordered rest and a lecture on honesty towards his managers had become a full week of psychological evaluations, meetings, doctor's appointments and lying around the dorm because he'd been forbidden from doing any kind of strenuous work whatsoever—all because of a stupid cold that had decided to kick in the day after Hyungwon's unfortunate collapse at dance practice. It had now been three days since Hyungwon had been deemed ready to resume training—partially!—and he was experienceing the complete list of consequences from not having been active for a long period of time. Sitting out on a live stage and being forced to silence because of a sore throat on a fan sign were only two of those consequences. More annoying to him personally was the fact that he'd lost some strength and stamina while bedridden.

Today's stage practice had been the first that Hyungwon participated in one-hundred percent, and the effects of the cold and exhaustion were clear. Of course, the rest of the Monsta X members were also absolutely wrecked once the five hour session was over, but Hyungwon was outright _dead_. He more or less crawled from the practice hall to the changing rooms, undressing on all fours and then crawling into the showers. Well there he sat himself on the cold floor tiles without a care for how pathetic he looked and reached up to turn the shower on. The water ran cold at first but Hyungwon didn't have the energy to move aside, so he just waited patiently for the water to become warmer. He let it soak his hair and dissolve the sticky sweat from his skin. His aching legs and swollen feet sucked the cold from the floor greedily. Hyungwon ravaged in the knowledge that their next schedule was over an hour's drive by car away, meaning that once they were done with their showers they'd get to rest up in the van before the evening's planned events began.

Hyungwon closed his eyes, leaned his head on the tiled wall and smiled blissfully. No matter how tired he was it still felt amazing to have been able to practice again. He'd been commended by the teacher for his perserverance and been able to keep up with his friends really well.

 _Not to mention that I love these new choreographies_ , he thought proudly. _I'm going to be centre-backup nearly all the time for the Dramarama performances. That never happens to me._

He'd spent the entire session enjoying that fact. Two things about it made him especially happy. Firstly, the position of centre-backup meant a lot more screen time if the choerography stayed the same for the MV shoot later (which is usually did). By being to the immediate left or right of whoever had centre, you were guarateed to be visible on screen most of the time. Shownu, Kihyun and Wonho seemed to share that honor pretty equally between them for this next comeback's title track, while Minhyuk had been given the intro as his time to shine up front. Hyungwon was really happy for him. The rappers, of course, had their powerful sections to steal the spotlight with, as always, but _Dramarama_ seemed to lean slightly more towards showing off the visuals. Secondly, the position of centre-backup also meant that Hyungwon was almost always dancing right behind Wonho, whether the older vocalist had centre or font-side positions. For some reason they had ended up on the same side for most of the choreography, and Hyungwon could do nothing but cheer...

... and roll his eyes at himself.

 _Come on, Hyungwon, don't get obsessed now_ , he thought to himself as he let the now hot water run over his face. _Stop thinking about it. Hoseok looks good from behind, so what? So does leader-hyung. And Jooheon. Minhyuk's okay and Kihyun too, but they're a little too... slender for my taste. Changkyun probably looks fine as well, but I've never seen him fully na— wait, what the hell am I thinking?! I can't sexualise my own members! And now I'm thinking about them naked, just great! Now what am I supposed to do? It's not like I'm the kind of person to start drooling over every hot guy I see. I'm a k-pop idol—I'm constantly surrounded by beautiful men. I may be gay but I'm not interested in my members. I can control myself perfectly, just as if I was straight._

As if on cue to test the truth of Hyungwon's inwardly declaration, Jooheon entered the shower room, naked with nothing but a towel loosely wrapped around his hips. Since the shower was open with no stalls to offer privacy, there was no need for Jooheon to try and get out of Hyungwon's sight—not that Hyungwon believed Jooheon cared at all. They'd showered together in here hundreds of times, all seven of them. So Jooheon unhesitatingly uncovered himself and hung the towel on a hook on the wall, then went for a showerhead in the far corner on Hyungwon's right. Hyungwon had opened one eye when Jooheon entered, then closed it quickly to not seem like he was peeking, but now it was open again. Jooheon threw Hyungwon a quick glance and an amused smile but nothing else before he turned on the shower and started washing hismelf off.

 _I'll prove it,_ Hyungwon challenged himself bitterly as he discreetly observed Jooheon's naked body. _I'll prove that I'm unaffected. I'll look at all of them and I won't feel a thing._

Jooheon was neither big nor slender. He carried no extra weight but he wasn't necessarily thin either. There was a softness to his muscled back and arms, a rounded shape to everything from his shoulders to his butt cheeks. When Jooheon turned around he revealed evenly curved shoulders, a flat chest, barely visible abs and an impressive package. Hyungwon refused to look away, determined to prove a point, so he peered through his eyelashes. Jooheon was definitely well equipped, no doubt about it. Whoever had the furtune of earning his love in the future would be in for quite an challenge. The thought made Hyungwon's cheeks heat up a little, but other than that, he felt normal.

By the time Hyungwon was finished sizing Jooheon up, all but two of Monsta X's members had joined them in the shower. They laughed and talked and hummed melodies from their upcoming album as they uncovered one by one and got in under the water. The shower room was beginning to steam up, allowing Hyungwon some much-needed camouflage for his self-assigned mission. He got up on his feet and begun his own shower routine, washing his hair and body, but all the while he was looking around himself discreetly, taking in every aspect of his friends' appearances and testing himself for any reaction. Kihyun was quite short and very slender, with a straight torso and narrow hips. His overall shape was quite manly even though his face held an angelic and boyish aura to it. As far as manhood went, he seemed about as normal as Hyungwon could imagine. Changkyun, who they had always known to be a little shy with his body, stood in the corner with his back constantly turned to the rest of the shower room. His back had a powerful frame with visible muscles and sharp shoulder blades, waist angled down towards narrow hips and a relatively flat bum.

No reaction, Hyungwon noted, apart from feeling stupid for secretly spying on his members.

Pleased with the results so far, he continued on to the manboy standing right next to him. Minhyuk had the definition of a feminine body—a thin waist and quite broad hips, rounded buttcheeks and shoulders that sloped downward softly. His legs and arms were thin but not stick-like as he was still well trained as an idol should be. But he was still clearly male, as proven by his manhood that Hyungwon already knew from before was surprisingly impressive. If someone else in Monsta X was sexually deviant, then Hyungwon was certain that it was Minhyuk. He had absolutely no proof, though—either way, Hyungwon didn't find Minhyuk especially enticing.

Not his style. Not the kind of man Hyungwon would wish for. Not like Son Hyunwoo, who had just entered the shower with everything on display without a care in the world. 

Hyungwon had to force himself not to look away even as his cheeks begun to heat up again. But when it came to Hyunwoo, he wasn't surprised that he was blushing. Hyunwoo was everything a man or woman could wish for in a perfect, talented, fine-tuned package. Tall, broad-shouldered, strong and lean in every possible way. Arms were thick with muscles, skin tight and even slightly bronzed. His stomach was a washboard and his thighs looked like they could crush a watermelon. On top of that he was visually stunning, had a powerful and beautiful voice, dancing skills worth all the fuzz and plump lips. Hyungwon couldn't forget the lips. He also couldn't forget that Hyunwoo was by far the most well-equipped one of them all. Hyungwon shuddered and finally decided that he'd seen enough. If anything, he wasn't sexually attracted to the group's leader, but  _scared_.

 _Five down, one to go_ , Hyungwon counted in his head and begun to turn around to where he knew that Hoseok was now standing, but his train of thought stopped short and he froze. Suddenly he didn't want to do this anymore. He felt the urge to finish up quickly, get dressed and leave the building, with or without the rest of his members.

 _Just turn around! What's the worst that could happen?_ Hyungwon wasn't sure that he wanted to know, but he still couldn't make himself turn around. _Come on. I can't prove anything if I won't even look at him!_

With the mental equivalent of a nervous gulp, Hyungwon turned around slowly underneath the stream of water and let his eyes fall on Hoseok's bare back. Just like Hyungwon was already perfectly aware of, Hoseok was a sculpted masterpiece. Broad shoulders and slender waist in the perfect animated superhero proportions. The water droplets glistened as they ran slowly down the arch of his shoulder blades, following the curves and grooves of his biceps before dripping off at the pointed elbows. Hyungwon's eyes continued to glide up Hoseok's muscled forearms to the palms of his hands—big and soft and warm-looking, with long fingers that could probably embrace anything tightly. His neck was long and elaborately veined, shadowed by a round, soft jawline that Hyungwon could only see the profile of from his current position. At the moment, his hair was cropped short and dyed a more intense, blueish black than his naturally charcoal hue. While hanging freely over his face when dry, right now it was slicked back over his scalp and soaking wet. There was a tiny mole behind his right ear that Hyungwon had noted many times before and the tiniest of scars underneath his chin from careless adventures when he was little. Hyungwon has no more than half-a-head taller than his older friend, but he was certain that if he was allowed to, he could completely disappear in the powerful embrace of Hoseok's wide frame.

Hyungwon hadn't even begun to glance at the more intimate parts of Hoseok's body when the latter turned unconsciously in Hyungwon's direction. His eyes were closed against the rushing water, causing small droplets to collect on his eyelashes and roll off of them onto the apples of his cheeks. The water that ran down the front of his body had no choice but to collect in the groove between his swollen pecs, then between the rows of abs that lined the sculpted stomach. Hyungwon imagined that Hoseok wouldn't feel a thing is one tried to punch him in the gut, that's how impenetrable those muscles seemed to be. Below the adorably soft bellybutton began a barely visible happy trail, growing thicker the further down it went, luring Hyungwon's eyes to move down towards the bulge of the older's—

He aborted the mission as fast as he could and looked away before he could see anything at all, but it was already too late. Hoseok had noticed the prolonged staring, however discreet Hyungwon had attempted to be, and was now looking straight at the younger. Their eyes met—Hoseok's eyes were coffee black but Hyungwon already knew that—and Hyungwon became entirely paralyzed. Hoseok's eyes were locked with his own, then moved down for a second and returned, as if doing to Hyungwon exactly what Hyungwon had done to him but a hundred times faster. Hyungwon wasn't blushing anymore—he was burning up where he stood—and Hoseok wasn't late to notice. Without saying a single word, his lips curved into the most innocently simple smile before he turned away again, resuming his shower as if nothing had happened. With Hyungwon still staring at him like a stupified child, Hoseok took the soap and began lathering himself in, continuing a conversation he'd been having with Hyunwoo before they entered the showers.

Hyungwon didn't even know that he was doing it—his animal brain set in to protect him from the overwhelming embarrassment—but he turned the shower off, wrapped himself up in a towel that he wasn't even sure was his own, then disappeared as fast as he could into the changing room. He snatched his practice bag and bundle of folded clothes from a bench and locked himself in the only bathroom, sitting down on the closed toilet lid with the towel barely hanging onto his hips, hair dripping water onto the clothes in his lap, chest heaving and eyes blown wide in disbelief. His heart was racing in his chest and tears threatened to well up in his eyes. His entire body was shivering, too. Pressure was building up in his head, in his stomach and between his legs. Ashamed beyond comprehension, Hyungwon pressed his elbows and the bundle of clothes down over his groin, refusing the reaction to get any stronger. He didn't care that his clothes were getting wet. He didn't care that he was occupying the only bathroom in the practice hall. He didn't care about anything right now.

Hoseok's smile was burned onto the back of Hyungwon's eyelids. He saw it clear as day no matter if he had his eyes open or not. It was stunningly beautiful, and Hyungwon _hated_ it. Hated what it had done to him, hated that it existed, hated that it had now made something clear to him that Hyungwon had spent the past six days (and probably way longer) refusing to even touch.

 _I'm in love with him_ , he finally allowed himself to think as the first tear fell from his eyelashes.  _He's so sexy, so kind, so beautiful and I'm in love with him. I'm in love with Shin Hoseok. My own group member. My closest friend._

It was like pulling the bandaid off of a wound thought healed, only to realise that it was still bleeding. Hyungwon felt like a heavy weight had fallen from his chest, a weight he had purposefully ignored because he was afraid of what would happen if he tried to lift it off. But the overwhelming relief was accompanied by fear so intense that it made it hard to breathe. Hyungwon leaned back over the toilet to stretch his throat and chest, hoping to get some more oxygen into his lungs, but it didn't help. He was terrified nonetheless—terrified of the truth he'd just accepted, of what the company would think of him, of what would happen to him and his members now that...

 _They don't know_ , Hyungwon realised with a start. _The company has no idea that I have these feelings. They don't know that I'm gay. Hell, my friends don't even know that, meaning that Hoseok doesn't know either..._

So he wasn't going to die the second he stepped out of the bathroom. Just because he'd realised the truth didn't mean that he'd be getting called to the manager's office in the morning to discuss his exclusion from Monsta X. It didn't mean that his members would look at him differently or that their fans would abandon him. Hyungwon took a deep breath, as deep as he was capable of anyway while his heart was still racing headlessly. One thought at the time, one minute after another, Hyungwon calmed himself down enough to get a grip.

_I'll be fine. I just have to work my way around it, that's all. Try not to let these feelings grow any stronger than they already have. I know that I can't avoid him and I don't want to, but I can't let it distract me from the work. I'll find a way. I don't know what to do, but I'll figure it out. I have to._

The clock was ticking and Hyungwon was painfully aware that either he was going to make the group late for their next schedule soon or his members were going to start banging on the bathroom door demanding to know what was wrong. As fast as he could hedried himself off and got dressed in the clothes that were now damp from having been hugged. He pulled his fingers through his hair to untangle the mess, then soaked the edge of the towel (it wasn't his own, he just hoped that it wasn't Hoseok's) in cold water and dabbed it over his tear-swollen eyes. When he was certain that it wouldn't show that he'd been crying—or aroused for that matter—he took another deep breath and exited the bathroom. He left the towel on the bench for its rightful owner to collect and joined his friends in the changing room. All of them were chatting and laughing like they always were when they were tired and hungry, longing for the sweet nothing of a long car ride, excited for the evening's upcoming events. Hyungwon listened, or pretended to at least, and laughed along where he thought approperiate. Nobody questioned his silence because it wasn't all that uncommon. As he waited for his friends to be ready to move, he popped himself down in a corner with his phone in hand, checking through their fan café and random articles about random topics. He wasn't reading them although he was trying to.

He was watching Hoseok. It was impossible not to now. The warmth of his voice, the soft curve of his adam's apple, the flexing of his muscles even when he wasn't trying to show them off. Hyungwon looked away time and again, but his eyes always seemed to be drawn back.

Back to the source of those insufferable tingles in his skin. Back to the reason that he couldn't sleep at night. Back to the love he would never be allowed to have.

 _Why'd it have to be him?_ Hyungwon wondered and sighed audibly, heart becoming heavy again. _I'm centre-backup. Now I have to watch those back muscles play every single time we have a dance practice. Just great._

Although the humour was dark and masking far more serious issues, Hyungwon couldn't help but smile at himself—positives and negatives came hand in hand, apparently. Hyungwon wasn't sure, though, which was which.

He guessed that he was about to find out.


	5. Doubt, pt. 1 (Why fan-service makes everything difficult)

_Disclaimer: Descriptions of the Dramarama MV storylines and shooting locations are entirely my own interpretations and imagination at work._

* * *

Starship was undoubtedly one of the most chill companies in the Korean boy group industry when it came to adding LGBT-related themes to their music videos, or at least as far as the members of Monsta X were aware. After the release of _All In_ , nobody could question that. Hyungwon himself had been the subject of that music video and the reveal that he and Minhyuk were going to act a full-blown couple had scared the living hell out of him—after all, nobody was supposed to know about his true sexuality. Least of all his company. The idea settled in his brain that he'd somehow misstepped and that the company had figured him out, but eventually he realised that that was not the case. A few hours with their MV director made that very clear. He had passionately explained the heterosexual chemistry they had to replicate, even going as far as having them wear wigs when rehearsing—for easier imagination, he'd said—although Minhyuk had stated that it would not be necessary. While Minhyuk had found the wig ridiculous, for Hyungwon it made it just a little bit easier to pretend that he wasn't overwhelmingly happy about getting to act out a same-gendered couple on screen. Of course, out of the near six minutes of usable material they had recorded, a little over fourty seconds had been used. This was also the time when Hyungwon had realised what type of man he actually found attractive and, unfortunately, Minhyuk didn't fall in that category.

Now, Starship had decided that it was time to bring back the fanservice. This time it was one third of the _Dramarama_ MV, filmed over the course of a full week on Jeju Island, that would carry the honor of introducing two brand new ships to the Monbebe's world. Those ships were Shownu and Wonho with their time-crossed lovers ordeal, then Jooheon and Kihyun in an emotional lost love story. The subtext wouldn't be remotely as clear as in _All In_ , but it was there and it was very intentional. And for Hyungwon, watching the Wonho/Shownu storyline in action, was equal parts beautiful and unbearable.

The material that they were supposed to film would end up being around four minutes, which then would be cut down to fit into the video along with the other two storylines and the performance sections. Shownu and Wonho's story was roughly that of a young man, played by Wonho, from 2047 who has spent his life trying to learn martial arts in a world where nobody knows it anymore. He manages to get his hands on an illegal time travelling device and goes back to the year 2017, where he meets Shownu who would grow up to become the last true master of the arts. Wonho travels to him in secret every day to practice and, eventually, they fall in love. However, before Wonho has the chance to admit his feelings, he is apprehended by the authorities in his own time and the device is taken away from him. Their story contained a number of fight scenes, some intense eyegazing, lowkey intimate gear dressing, lots of sweat and steam and a Wonho solo shower scene.

 _A shower scene?!_ Hyungwon screamed inwardly for like the two-hundredth time. _I mean, come on, it's like Starship is trying to torture me! Why couldn't I have a different schedule to do? But nooo~ we need behind the scenes so lets have all of us be here for an hour to be filmed while watching Hoseok take a shower!_

Hyungwon didn't often sound the way he did in his head right now—sassy, bitchy and almost angry—and he was glad that nobody was able to see through his exterior and hear those things. First of all, because he wouldn't be allowed to sound like that while being near a camera and, secondly, because it wasn't all true. He wanted nothing else in this world but to be allowed to watch the scene play out for hours on end. He was at a safe distance too, close enough to make out the shadows of every muscle on Hoseok’s arms, but far enough to be out of the older’s sight. He was standing to the side of the shooting set, which was a large, gymnasium shower room built specifically for this solo scene. At the moment there were no cameras rolling apart from the one fixed on Hyungwon’s profile, dedicated to catch even the tiniest of reactions from him.

”Woo-ah,” he said to gain some time to think of better things to say. “Our Hyung looks so good like this. Almost scary...”

_Excuse me, what did I just say? That was **not** what I intended. Well, Monbebes like it when we say that kind of stuff, don't they? But I can't say too much..._

Fortunately, the camera director was more than ready to help him along when his thoughts wandered off. “What is going on here right now?” she prompted.

”We’re recording a scene for the Dramarama MV, our Wonho-hyung is over there, but you’re not allowed to see just yet,” Hyungwon explained with a mysterious smile to the camera, imagining the thousands of Monbebes who would be just as excited about seeing Hoseok shirtless as he was. “It’s a surprise for our Monbebes.”

”And what's up next for you?” the camera director continued, quietly as to not let it catch on the camera too much. She knew perfectly well what, but the Monbebes did not.

Hyungwon looked down at himself, made up and dressed all proper for his own rain scene that would be shot in a few hours. “It’s my turn to record after this. I hope Monbebes will love what we have in store for them, this music video will be very exciting.” He got in a little closer to the camera and smiled warmly, an earnest excitement filling him. He put up two thumbs in the air, then turned them into tiny little hearts for his beloved fans. “Look forward to it!"

One, two, three seconds, then the camera turned away and the director called it. She told Hyungwon good job and that they got enough footage of him for the moment, then headed off to chase down the next member in line. Who that was, Hyungwon didn't care, as he resumed his distanced gazing onto the set. By now the make-up artists, lighting crew and the people responsible for making Hoseok's hair look its best were all done and ready for action. Hoseok himself had slipped into his role a few minutes ago, maintaining a kind of expression Hyungwon had only ever seen on his older—stone-cold and strong at heart, yet so soft and broken that it felt like he would come apart at the smallest touch. Hyungwon wanted to run up and get the camera crew away from him. In the glowing blue light of the set and with the water starting to run all over his naked upper body, Hoseok became too beautiful for this world.

_No camera will be able to capture that. I've seen hundreds of videos, thousands of images of him. They can't get all of it, so why even bother to try?_

The tingles that Hyungwon had suffered for the past three weeks returned, ever stronger with each passing day. He let them come, let them travel across his body. They tickled his waist and his fingtertips, made his skin long for more contact. His mouth watered and his heart began to hurt. Three weeks since he'd realised. Three weeks of walking, standing, dancing and being by Hoseok's side with no ability to tell him the things Hyungwon now accepted as true. Three weeks of worrying that any prolonged eye-contact was going to get him kicked out of the group. In the end it had made Hyungwon anxious that maybe Hoseok was going to notice that he didn't act the same, that he was being colder off camera than normally and kept his distance in public situations, trying to have at least one member between them at all times. Hyungwon hated it every time he did that, but he didn't feel like he had a choice either. The alternative was to suffer by allowing Hoseok to get closer to his heart and Hyungwon just couldn't handle that pain. Hoseok wasn't going to return his love, Hyungwon was almost certain of that, and even if there was a chance that he would, they wouldn't be allowed to. The world that they lived in, the careers they were pursuing, their dreams both together as a group and individually, did not allow for two men to love each other. Not truly. Their intimacy would be limited to fanservice—anything and everything goes, as long as it stays clear of being undoubtedly homosexual.

For Hyungwon, there was no doubt. He didn't want there to be either. If he were to find love, he wanted to be able to show the entire world without fear of sacrificing his or his partner's dreams in the process, so he kept his distance. Limited his contact with Hoseok to when there was at least one more member with them. That way he could keep his heart safe and their idol careers intact.

He hated every second of it.

Hoseok's scene was reshoot three times—not because he couldn't do it but because they wanted to have multiple shots to choose from. The extra repetitions allowed Hyungwon to relive his embarassment from the dance studio showers three weeks back, seeing Hoseok naked and taking in every inch of him before getting discovered. This wasn't as bad, but it was close enough. However, Hyungwon couldn't take his eyes off of the scene and decided to enjoy it as best he could, while he could. In a little bit the shoot was going to be finished and Hyungwon would be whisked away to film his own segment.

The second that the director called cut on the last reshoot, Hoseok snapped out of his role and lit up like a sun. The wide, white smile was so far away and directed on someone else, but it still made Hyungwon's heart skip a beat. It made the corners of his own mouth turn up and he even chuckled a little, filling with warmth at the sight of Hoseok hurrying for a towel to dry himself off, complaining humorously about the coldness of the water he'd been forced to shower in. The make-up artists were all over him again with towels and a robe as the set designers got to work on moving the cameras and lights for the next shoot. Hyungwon didn't notice that the behind-the-scenes camera had returned until long after it had begun recording him again. Just as he caught the red, blinking light in the corner of his eye, Hoseok's eyes shifted and he looked straight at Hyungwon across the large space.

His smile widened even more, eyes near glittering. Hyungwon's breath caught in his throat and his entire body began to tingle, shivers running up and down his spine and through his veins. If he was lucky, it was too dark for his burning cheeks to be visible on camera, but he didn't count on it. His mouth couldn't help but return Hoseok's smile from all across the studio, the moments when they were looking straight at each other making the rest of the world blur out for a bit.

When Hoseok was deemed dry enough to move around, the older visual walked through the abundance of cameras and lighting equipment to where Hyungwon was standing, his behind-the-scenes camera still rolling although he wasn't active with it at all. Hoseok knew that the camera was there and he reminded Hyungwon of it painfully by coming over and putting himself shoulder to shoulder with the younger. Hyungwon couldn't move away, couldn't show how his heart was racing or let his eyes linger too long on the still shining, wet skin of Hoseok's upper lip. The camera would catch it all.

Of course, Hyungwon was a professional and his instincts as an idol saved his panicing heart. "Our Hyung is so talented," he told the camera in an enthustiatic voice and put a hand on Hoseok's bare shoulder, discreetly trying to keep the unwrapped bathrobe from slipping too far down. The statement had more than the intended effect.

"Aww~" Hoseok wooed shyly and leaned his head on Hyungwon's shoulder, snaked his arm in behind Hyungwon's back and let it come to rest around the narrow of his waist. An equal parts pleasant and terrifying shudder moved up Hyungwon's body from the touch. "Our Hyungwonnie is just saying this because it's his turn to shoot next. He's fishing for compliments later."

"I'm not!" Hyungwon shook his head vigorously at the camera and laughed when Hoseok did, then pouted in feigned offense. "Hyung will steal the entire MV for himself. Monbebes won't get to see any of the rest of us."

"No, no, no, no, no," Hoseok hurried to say. "If anyone's going to steal the show it's our Hyungwon. Menbebes should look forward to it!"

"Look forward to it!" Hyungwon repeated his older's words and winked at the camera, hoping that the heat rushing to his face would come across as shyness from being complimented rather than what it actually was.

The camera stopped rolling once more and the crew hurried away at the call from the MV director. A lot of work needed to be done in shourt amount of time before Hyungwon's turn in the spotlight was due. It would be the last shoot of the day, then the boys would be free to eat and enjoy the rest of the evening in Jeju city by themselves. Hyungwon would have looked forward to that, would've been excited about his own shoot or that he'd get to eat a proper meal soon, but he couldn't right now. Time itself had stopped and Hyungwon was lost in the moment—lost in the fact that although the behind-the-scenes camera had long since left them, Hoseok was still standing just as close and holding his waist just as tightly as before. It was almost as if Hoseok too had drifted off into his thoughts as he watched the crew work to change the shooting set. That he was unaware that he was still embracing the younger.

When Hyungwon couldn't take the mixed euphoria and panic anymore, he carefully stepped aside so that Hoseok's arm fell away from him. "So, uhm, you're all done now?"

"Yeah," Hoseok said matter-of-factly, still smiling in a way that made Hyungwon's own lips curve. "I was thinking that I'd grab a quick snack somewhere, then maybe check out your shoot. It shouldn't take too long, right? Then we can all go get something to eat. The others are in dance rehearsal right now, I think, but they should be done by the time we are."

_We. I hope he's just going to watch my shoot because he's been told to record some behind the scenes. I don't think I could take it if he wants to be there just to watch **me**. He's got more important things to do, like practicing his sword fighting scenes or join the others for dance practice. Maybe get his make-up removed or something. I won't be able to concentrate if he's going to be there and stare at me like... like what I've been doing to him for the past hour-and-a-half. Damn, Hyungwon, don't get any ideas in your head. He's your friend, he just wants to be supportive. He's not interested in you. Not that way._

"... really handsome in that thing."

Hyungwon snapped out of it, whatever mindles rant he'd slipped into. "Sorry, what?"

"I said you look really handsome," Hoseok repeated with a small chuckle and gestured for Hyungwon's entire body. Hyungwon quickly looked down and was reminded once again of the stylish suit he'd be wearing for his scenes in the MV. "You look like a true god."

"I'm supposed to be a time traveller," Hyungwon heard himself say although he wasn't aware that he'd planned to. His heart was beating too hard, his mind racing too fast.

"A time travelling _god_ ," Hoseok emphazised and gently tapped Hyungwon in the chest. "It's in the script, don't think I didn't read it."

_He called me handsome. He called me a true—_

_—wait, he's called me handsome lots of times before. He calls everyone handsome all the time. Everyone. Always. Not just me. Stop hyperventilating! Am I hyperventilating? Am I even breathing..? Oh shit, breathe! But the way he looked at me just now... how am I supposed to take that? Why does he do this to me? What's going on?_

Hyungwon hoped for his dear life that he was smiling at least a little so that Hoseok wouldn't notice the war of emotions that was going on inside his body. Even if it was noticeable, Hoseok thankfully didn't comment on it. Instead, his own smile faded somewhat and he became more serious, clearing his throat and taking just a tiny step backwards. Hyungwon's train of thought stopped abruptly, surprised by the sudden change of aura between them.

"By the way, if you have time later after dinner, do you think we could talk? Just you and me?" Hoseok rolled on the balls of his feet. If Hyungwon didn't know better, it almost looked like he was _nervous_. "Not to frighten you or anything, it's nothing like that, but I don't want the others to know about it just yet and I don't want to talk about it here. That okay?"

_Okay, you can stop breathing now, it's fine._

"Of course, sure," Hyungwon said and nodded automatically.

_Anytime you wanna drop dead, just do it. No heads up, I'm **good** to go—_

Hoseok lit up like a sun. "Great," he breamed, then began to walk away backwards. "You're gonna like it, I swear!"

Hyungwon remained frozen to the floor where he stood as Hoseok turned around and headed off, probably to get dressed properly or dry himself off. Half of him wanted to follow Hoseok, grab a hold of his way-too-hot-to-be-allowed arms, drag him into some dark corner and demand that he tell him what he wanted to say or else Hyungwon might _actually_ explode, the other half of him wanted to run in the opposite direction, out of the studio and back to the cliff that he knew lay not far from where their rented house was located. Maybe, if he jumped _very_ far, the cliff would be high enough to actually put an end to this suffering.

_Am I imagining things? Did he not just wrap his arm around me for no reason? Has he not been talking very sweetly to me lately without having any cameras nearby? That's what been killing me all week. Could it be that... No. No, he wouldn't. I'm just seeing what I want to see. I want him to like me and so I'm imagining things to make it seem like he does. He's probably got some issue or something with another member and he wants to ask me about it before bringing it up with the others. That's happened before, the time his earings kept getting stolen. But why would he want to plan the whole thing? Why not just pull me aside and ask me directly? And why not here? It's not like either of us are in a hurry. Damn, I'm so confused! Why does it have to be him, huh?! Can't I just be allowed to work through these feelings and let them go? Why does he have to be all sweet and dreamy around me like this?_

_Damn you. Damn you and your lovely voice, your glistening eyes and your addictive laugh. Damn your kissable lips and strong arms. Damn you for making me fall in love with you._

Hyungwon walked over to the shooting set and offered to help with whatever he could without risking his make-up or clothes. He put himself in front of the behind-the-scenes camera again, read through the manuscript for the MV, watched footage on the director's computer from Minhyuk and Changkyun's scenes that had been recorded the day before. A third of the time he was one-hundred percent concentrated on his soon-to-be-recorded scene. One third he spent soaring through a heaven of love and eccstasy, the last third he tried to repress a panic attack. Okay, maybe more than a third. Half the time. Thee fifths.

_Damn you. What is it that you're going to tell me? What's so important to you that you have to be alone with me to say it? Why did you look all nervous about it? Could it be what I think it is...? What I want it to be..?_

The tingles were constant now, emitting from the narrow of his waist in waves of pleasure and warmth. As if Hoseok's large hands were still cupping it. Hyungwon wanted it to be there, wanted him to come back and take his into his arms again. At the same time it was enough to make him want to cry just thinking about it and how impossible something like them being together would be.

_Damn you, Shin Hoseok._

_Damn everything._

_Damn me and my stupid emotions._

_Just... damn..._

* * *

**To be continued soon in _Doubt, pt. 2 (What is Joohyeok's problem?!)_**


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